The Death of a Friend
Thursday, May 28, 2009 at 9:48PM I had a friend that I miss. We spent hours together. In fact I spent a significant amount of my free time with him. When we were together, I could forget about the stresses of life. He enabled me to dream again and brought momentary relief to an otherwise hectic schedule. At times, when the pressures I experienced reached oppressive levels, I would almost scheme to find ways that we could just have an hour together. Some of those hours stretched at times even into the early hours of the morning.
In looking back, I can now see how dependent I was on him. We were soul mates. When his strength began to fade, I refused to acknowledge it initially. He has been in my life for so long, I couldn’t imagine not being able to draw strength from our time together. Nor could I imagine that he was not capable of providing me with the reprieve from the stresses in my own journey. He couldn’t hide his deteriorating health. The more sick he became, the more I realized my own emotional health was moving towards a state of limbo. But when he died, I felt a sense of deep loss. I didn’t know where to turn because, for so long, he had been there for me.
Now when I see his picture, it is just a fading memory. What is left is the hole that he once filled. For a time I thought I was moving into a time of depression. Now I realize that this was a time of grief. I feel the loss deeply. I do not want to let him go, but neither can he fill the place that he once did. It has rocked the foundation upon which much of my life rested. I am close to my lowest point. It has caused me to question my other places of stability that used to be there before my friend came into my life.
This emptiness has caused me to wonder about my faith. God seems strangely distant. It has been a long time since we hung out together. I once had youthful faith that simply believed, but now I can’t seem to make myself go there. My doubts are real. They may very well be a bi-product of my own choosing, for I have not pursued God for a long time. Why should I think my confidence in him should still be vibrant and strong? Having had a friend for so long who seemed to be able to keep my life skipping across a lake like a flat stone caused me to forget about deeper things. I could simply procrastinate and allow myself the pleasure of being distracted by another relationship. But like all skipping stones, as the momentum begins to die, things slow down, jump less, and eventually sink.
I think I knew that the avoidance mentality was not sustainable, but it was so fulfilling for its time it was hard to resist. Now I know he is gone. He isn’t ever going to be able to come back. I see things more clearly now and in one sense I am ready to let him go. My friend has a name that I do not intend to share with you. You can call him Addiction.
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